WRITTEN BY ELLEN
ON THE SOUTH PACIFIC EXPEDITION FROM BAY OF ISLANDS TO TONGATAPU
I spent a solid hour with my little one in tears last night. He’d become aware that I would not be present for his talent show at school. The one he’s been practicing and building hype for. The one where he intends to break dance while two girls sing a slow duet from a musical. Believe me, this isn’t something I want to miss either. I can’t even begin to imagine what it might look like in action. If nothing else, I’d like to bear witness to such a complicated task.
I snuggled him while he fought to catch his breath. Deep sadness, soundless sobs.
“I want you to be there, mama.”
“I want to be there too.”
“I’m sad you won’t be there.”
“I’m sad about that too, bud.”
“So just don’t go then.”
“It isn’t that simple.”
On Thursday I begin the trek from Maine to New Zealand. Rockland to Boston. Boston to Houston. Houston to Auckland. Auckland to Kerrikerri. 35 hours and two calendar days later than I departed, I will arrive. Two days after that, I set my feet aboard a research sailing vessel, and begin the sail from Bay of Islands, New Zealand to Nuku’alofa, Tonga.
This was a choice. It’s true that I don’t want to miss the talent show or the dance performances that take place while I’m gone. I don’t want to miss the soccer games and track meets and day-to-day operations with my family. As many mothers probably feel, I both need some time for myself, and deeply miss the moments I don’t get to have with my children. It is a perpetual dichotomy, in which every chosen direction feels met with equal sacrifice.
I am a scientist by education. A marine ecologist. I am a scientist by trade as well. A fisheries biologist. But with children who are 9 and 11, I haven’t worked in these fields since their lives began. When my first son was ten days old I started a master’s program in International Logistics Management. “I’ll be home anyway” I thought, completely unaware of the workload early motherhood actually was. Why not master a completely new subject with my extensive leisure time?? As it turns out, some children are capable of not sleeping at all for the first year of their lives.
Still, I got that degree. Had a second son. Bought an inn and held down the fort while my husband continued to ship out for work as a marine engineer. That’s what moms do: a little bit of everything because life requires it. And over time, the identity of a marine ecologist or fisheries biologist, or expert of anything, really, started to fade away. I am a mom, first and foremost–and that has been a choice too. Jill of all trades, master of none as they say.
I have been selected to participate in a research journey with an organization called eXXpedition, studying microplastics in the ocean. This is an all-women expedition collecting data and telling the story of the global plastic crisis in pursuit of policy change. My venture is one of many that, together, begin to reveal the impact we have on our ecosystem and illuminate the need for our storyline to change. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, with clear and obvious goals toward making a positive impact. It is meaningful to me to show up in the ways I am able.
I don’t want to miss a second with my children, AND they deserve to see a mother in pursuit of her own growth and happiness. They deserve to see intentions for good modeled so that they can grow into contributing citizens of tomorrow. And I deserve to be a complex and multifaceted individual, with goals and dreams and challenges of my own.
When I was selected for this position, my older son said “Oh my god mama. You HAVE to do that! That’s so cool!” Yes, like his brother, he has tired and sad moments where he doesn’t want me to be gone for anything either. But I also know that he is quietly watching and learning, and they are old enough now to see that moms get to be a lot of different things. They know me as mom– the maker of snacks and singer of bedtime songs. They are beginning to know me as I know myself: a badass scientist, capable of anything, advocating for a better and more sustainable world.
